This has been such a weird week. At times, it has been really fun and then really stressful and sometimes depressing. I'm exhausted and glad it's almost over.
I'm trying so hard to stay positive about my body but some days I find it virtually impossible. I have 10lbs left to shed. Whoo-hoo. Right?! I'm so frustrated with myself because I want so badly to get back in shape and start running again but I am so TIRED all the time and have very little maotivation. Except on Tuesday nights of course when I'm watching "Biggest Loser" I tried running the other morning but it was so cold my asthma kicked right in.
I went to find some clothes because I am so sick of crying every morning, but itwas so depressing. I know I've hit an all time low when I don't even want to go shopping. HELLO! I'm the girl with over 100 pairs of shoes! I guess I have to interject though...I am wearing a size 4 but want so badly to have my tight little tummy back. I should be excited about that but can't. I feel like I did when I came home from mission with this life preserver around my waist in tow. I guess I can say I'm not as pathetic now as I was then. One night I was so upset about my body I laid on my floor and listened to Coldplay's "Fix You" on repeat until I cried myself to sleep. Pretty sad eh?
I have to say I have an AMAZING husband. We were talking about this very subject last night. He said that I was the sexiest and beautiful I've ever been. He told me to take some of our tax return money and go buy some new clothes. (I haven't really bought new clothes since before my mission)
I'm not trying to throw myself a huge pity party and I know I just need to get off my butt and change what I want changed. I keep all this bottled up inside and somedays it just comes spewing out. I have never been insecure about myself ever in my life. I've always been a total ham. I once won a "shake that @$$" contest at Banana Joe's in Portland (crazy sorority days) I constantly find myself pulling at my shirts, changing outfis at least three times a day. I have even pulled away from Joe because I don't feel attractive enough. How retarded is that?!
I HATE it.
Okay, I'm done mourning now. Sometimes I just need to vent and cry a little bit and I'll be good for a few days.
Let's talk about how this week was good. On monday I came home and Joe bought me my favorite licorice. He always does sweet little things like that. Once when we were dating he went and bought a ton of mambas candy and took out all the rasberry ones (my favorite) so he would have enough to fill a gift bag. He probably spent $20 on Mambas.
My niece Zoe Anne was born this week. She's precious. She has more hair than Bella will have when she's one! I'm so happy for my sister. She's had a really long road to travel and I think things are finally falling into place for her.
Bella is getting cuter and funnier everyday. She laughed out loud this week! I have never heard a sweeter sound. I started crying! I know I'm a nerd.
(this is a link to the video of her laughing) http://www.flickr.com/photos/loganthomas/3334866262/in/set-72157613710933091/
To top off my nerdiness: I finally got to the last level of Zelda!!! It's been over a year of trying to beat that stupid game!
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4 comments:
Lindsey I understand how you are feeling about the whole body thing. It's hard being in that in between size. I want so badly to be motivated to exercise but I'm tired too and I give into my cravings ALL the time. The weight will come off. I promise! You are such a cute girl so don't worry. I love how The Biggest Loser motivates you because I'm the same way:)
Darling Lindsey!!!! You are phenomenal and I think we as women are cursed with the type of feelings that you expressed, though yours are personal to your situation... thanks for being brave and expressing them, we all need to support each other and not leave these feelings bottled up inside. You are beautiful and je t'aime...Bella is lucky to have a hot mommy like you!
I was also reading your blog about Wicked, I have seen it twice and ADORE it! To quote the musical "because I knew you, I have been changed for good," I truly feel that way about you ma soeur!
Okay, you are the cutest thing! Also, so not even a psycho chick with the weight issue...I feel you there- miscarriage x3 leaves extra weight that doesn't leave because there's no breast feeding goin' on and the body goes into panic mode. All I can tell you is to suck it up, and go running...(but don't go if your asthma kicks in...that would be bad!) I'm pumped that Daylight Saving Time has arrived so that I can finally run on my own after work and not wait for someone else to run with. Also, it's nice to know that you and I have to most honest husband's in the world, so Joe totally means what he says when he tells you you've never been sexier...I agree (ha cha cha!:) Trust him, love yourself, take care of Bella and the rest will fall into place...it took 9 months to pack in on...remember that. I think you're beautiful and dang sexy at that!(you also know how I feel about Zelda and I am currently searching my calender for a dinner date that works for us!)
Lindsey Beth...you are one of the most beautiful people I know! Don't forget you just had Bella 4 months ago...and for just having her 4 months ago you look pretty darn good! The rest will come off in due time and as soon as the weather warms up a bit you and I are goin WALKIN!
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